Tonight whilst in a coffee shop (not Starbucks, don’t worry ;)) with the husband, I realized a truth about myself, and it wasn’t pretty. I found myself sighing while drinking my coffee realizing that my day to day goal in life is chasing empty temporary means of happiness, which often leave me disappointed. I was sad about the specific disappointments of the day, but had the deeper sadness of realizing that I, myself, was the true source of my sadness or disappointment.
Let me tell you how my day started…(feel free to skim these, just trying to get you inside my head and show you the extent of my search of happiness today).
*We ended up waking up/getting up after noon which always makes me feel like the day is already half over, and makes me feel like we aren’t really going to be able to do anything or accomplish anything.
*I was excited because we’d been talking about traveling 45 minutes away to go to a Greek Festival. I was looking forward to experiencing culture since I’ve missed traveling this summer. However, we decided not to try it based on reviews from a friend.
*We talked about going to a different local, beer and wine festival. We drove down to check it out before committing the $40.00 for tickets for us. Due to the increased rain and expense of the tickets we decided not to go.
*I finally decided to visit a local camera store I’ve been wanting to browse since we bought the DSLR…and we walk up to the store front only to read the sign “Sept 21, 2013 will be our last day of business” and the doors were locked.
*We were gonna have a photography adventure, knowing that overcast light drizzles produce some of the best images. Then, the rain began to stream harder, effectively killing that idea.
*We visited a recently reopened restaurant that we’d dubbed “our place” back in college, for lunch. I decided to be brave and order the “Bangers and Mash” because it was British. When I order food, I tend to place a lot of significance in the experience of having that food fulfill my food cravings. This food was tasty, but the taste wasn’t quite right for “my mood,” so I didn’t find that satisfaction that I was looking for.
*We drove around for awhile wondering what to do. We eventually decided to have a snack “in date night” while watching tv shows. I’d hoped the snack foods and tv shows would help me find the happiness that I was seeking, instead I just kept audibly sighing in boredom. I wasn’t fulfilled.
*Around 7pm after snoozing a little after our snacks, husband decided that he wanted to go to a coffee shop and chat. So, we drove on out. I found this drink called “Stardust” which was described as a bronzed white chocolate mocha….I love anything white chocolate, plus with a name like “Stardust” how could I not be inspired. I didn’t admit it to myself…but really there was this idea in my head that if this taste could be perfect…than the rainy boring day of disappointment could be redeemed. At the first taste…it was slightly more cinnamon based than I was hoping for. Add the fact that the only seating husband and I could find were two larger solo chairs that were far apart, and there was loud live music that I wasn’t going to be able to talk over and I was disappointed again.
Reading all of that back I’m so ashamed of how whiney that sounds! So I sank more into a funk while husband was eagerly willing to chat. (We are such opposites, lol!). It was hard for me to talk to him, while wrestling with this terrible truth about myself…that I was searching for happiness in all of these meaningless temporal things when I should be steadfast in joy. It was difficult realizing that I was setting myself up for failure.
On one hand part of the reason that I look for those little excitements in life, is because I want to enjoy life. I was to live each day for the fullest, but sometimes I get stuck in the idea that that means that I have to be happy…which isn’t anything that Jesus has ever promised me.
Part of the reason that I started this blog a long time ago was because I was stuck. I was going through major stages of transition, having graduated, gotten married, and I had no idea what I was doing with my life. Therefore, I decided to celebrate the “little things” in life to be excited about whatever God puts in my life.
I don’t want to stop doing that, some of the ways I think God uses me is through that joyfulness of my experiences…but I need to stop relying on them for my happiness and finding more meaningful things to base my happiness on. I don’t want to let those externals guide my emotions anymore…I want to be secure in Christ.
So, I’ve blogged about this to act as a type of confession, and a dedication to live for true joy instead of the roller coaster ride of happiness and inevitable disappointments.