Week # 6 and here is my hours count: 12 Face to Face, 2.25 Individual Supervision, 2 Group Supervision, and 37.75 Related Activities, for a grand total of 54 hours. It is progressing slower than I realized. I currently only have 4 clients and several are taking off this week, I keep trying to remind myself that slow is normal and okay, but it doesn’t always work.
The slowness of the week, the coldness of the weather, frustrations with communication struggles in my martial relationship, all combined to not make me want to get up and go in for my individual supervision today. It is silly that I feel so insecure about those meetings, however that rationalization does not stop those fears. I just feel like I trip over my own words. I hate the idea of doing something new; I hate the idea that I’m not perfectly experienced at this yet. I feel like I never have the right words to explain what I’m doing in session etc. Husband tells me that I need to be patient with myself as this is a learning experience. Instead, I do what I always do when I get insecure/afraid I toy with the idea of running away. I think, “it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to get the Human Services degree instead, would it?” (For the record, my supervisor is awesome and I’m just being irrational).
I miss having the classes, I miss the text books, I miss the research papers. I was immensely good at ALL of that stuff, I’ve always been good at school. One year in school they tested our learning styles. It was determined that I have a “Mastery Skill Level.” This explained why, in math class I enjoyed being taught how to do the problem and then having 100 examples to do in the homework that were exactly the same way. I enjoy Mastering things.
I enjoy the subjectivity of counseling, in theory. I like that I am unique and that as counselors our personalities and approaches are all different, and that is a good thing. However, it is easy to become insecure knowing that I have to practice with people (which sometimes already give me anxiety) in order to learn. Smeh.
While journaling and reading my Bible, and it became very apparent that my feelings were based on my own emotional funk and likely spiritual warfare. The enemy does not want me to be a counselor, serving God and setting the captives free from their bondage of sin and dysfunction problems. He would rather keep them tied down so that they never reach their potential and they never glorify God.
Hebrews 2:1 “We must, therefore, pay even more attention to what we have heard, so that we will not drift away”
Instead of running away from my fears I need to face them. God will help train me and bring me through this process that HE has CALLED me too. My life is about glorifying Him, and that means that this internship is about Him too.
I want to ground myself in this passage Isaiah 61:1-4
“The Spirit of the Lord God is on Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to the prisoners; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of our God’s vengeance; to comfort all who mourn, to provide for those who mourn in Zion; to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, festive oil instead of mourning, and splendid clothes instead of despair. And they will be called righteous trees, planted by the Lord to glorify Him; they will rebuild the ancient ruins; they will restore the former devastation they will renew the ruined cities, the devastation of many generations.
If that doesn’t get you pumped, then maybe you need to listen to Desert Song by Hillsong. I encourage you to dedicate yourself that no matter how you feel, that you won’t waiver in whatever calling that He has placed on your life. There will be times of discouragement, those are the times that you need to show verses of His faithfulness and your calling to yourself and push onward.
In other news my former supervisor (from the missions agency I worked with) is now working at my site as an MA counselor!! I’m beyond excited!! Soon, we are planning on running some groups together. If you have any ideas for good group books, post and let me know!